I can't look at you.

Announcing to your entire social connection how much you dislike me.

Then don't talk to me, don't act like you are even nice to me.

I dislike you too but I did not resort to announcing to the entire world.
Not even my own boyfriend.

I dislike you, hence I do not chit chat or bother communicating with you unless necessary.
I do not resort into talking bad about you like how you did.
I dislike you, hence I dont give a shit about you.
That's it.
Simple.
I do not need to do anything to you or say anything about you.
You simply are not my concern at all.
I would not fake around and act like I'm still nice to you or even care about you.

So please just stop.

I appreciate you not giving a jack shit about me instead of bitching about me on twitter and gossiping about me behind my back.
Don't bother trying to act the other way round in front of me because unfortunately I have already find out about all your acts that you have done or said about me.

It disgusts me how you are even deemed as a great person to my boyfriend.

And good for you, he still thinks you are a great friend to him.

Deepest condolences to myself.

Congrats, you won the hearts of the world by belittling me, showing your hatred towards me, a person whom you deem as an ass.

It's all in my mind

I thought of ways to speak to you.

I can't seem to bring up the courage to express all these thought to you directly.

I'm too afraid.

My insecurity overpowers me.

I'm too afraid that at the end of the day, all my concerns will be deemed burdensome and troublesome to you.

That actually means that I lose.

I lose in actually having my own thoughts and emotion.

I'm afraid I cant hold it any longer.

Hypocrites.

It's interesting to see how fake certain people can be.
One minute ago you can be posting something bitching about me on social media and
the next minute you are smiling and acting nice to me.
Two-faced. That's what you are.

I'm not too sure which is worst.
Knowing that you are one fake ass bitch or
knowing that my boyfriend still trusts you.

It hurts.

There's nothing I can really do.
I have to suck it up.
I sucked it up.
I am still sucking it up.

I dont know how long more I can suck this shit up.

It cuts me deep.
Not being able to do or say anything about it.
Not having it in the way I wish, I feel like I'm losing.
That's not a nice feeling.

Friends mean so much to you.
You have so many off them.
So many off them are what you call your "best".
I honestly do not care about most of them.
What I care most was those who you had feelings for.
But I'm moving on, my best to get pass that.

Halfway through, here comes a fox.
Seemed harmless initially but proven wrong big time.
Your another "best" is cutting me deep.

Do I make you choose?
Can I even do that?
Should I even do that?

I did not.
How long till I will?
I dont know.
Will I ever going to make you choose?
I hope I dont have to resort to that.

But it is killing me.
I sucked it up so badly that its eating me up on the inside.
Mentally exhausted.

You knew we are not exactly getting along well.
You chose to not know and care.
I stopped talking to you about it or her ever since.
I tried to dust it off and not put you in a difficult position.
I did my best.
I did it.
Really.
I thought I was actually succeeding in making it.

Until I saw the fox in her act.
Shouldnt have seen it.
But too late.
It's great to know.
But it is not that great to receive it.

What I see now is that I'm not the one putting you in a difficult position.
It is her.
But do you see it?
Or maybe again, you just dont want to care about it.
Or even worse, you still choose believe that I am the cause to it.

That is what is killing me.
To see there is a possibility that after all this, you choose to trust your "best" and prefer that I suck it up and be the person who does not put you in the difficult position.
When the fact is that I've tried and already done so.

At that point, I would be dead.
I honestly cant even bear to imagine myself taking all the blame and suck it up on this one.
I cant.

I do not blame you if the worst case scenario does happen.
I blame your "best". The fox. The one you trust.

I dont wish for this to be a blame game either.
But it left me with no choice.

Never in my wildest crazy action I would do whatever she is doing to my own best friend's significant other.
That is how I make my decision to put my blame on.

Another worst case scenario, this fox has already spread the WOM how much she dislikes me to your other friends or even "bests".
Too afraid to see you think I am the cause to it as well.

I would never stop you from hanging out with your friends.
NEVER.
As much as I hate to see you hang out with certain people, I will NEVER stop you.
But now, knowing that you are still and will be hanging out with this fox, I really wish that I could say no. I really do.
But again, who am I to stop you hanging out with your "best", to put you in a difficult position.

So its on me.
Again.
To suck it up.
And to hurt myself with it.

I suck it up.
I suck it up for you.
I suck it up because I love you.

But I'm afraid I cant hold it any longer.

Lesson of the day

No one will ever sympathises you on your haplessness.

No one.

So despite being the sad soul here.
Yeah, I supposed to suck it up.
Thanks.

What in the world

My blood is boiling.

My heart feels like it is going to explode or straight up just stop pumping soon.

I wish I hadnt done it.

I'm sorry I did.

But yeah, good to know?

Not nice to know but at least now I know.

How hypocrite.

And how heart breaking to still see you on their side.

I'm nothing compared to them.

I'm the one that should be "dealing with it".

Yes, I'm the issue here again. As usual.

Devil in me

I'm not feeling well at all.

Physically and mentally.

I wish I could just go home and sleep all day.

Not wanting to do anything.

Not wanting to think about anything.

Not wanting to care about anything.

Can I just erase my thoughts and let my body rest?

How ridiculous.

Who am I to ask for so much.

I'm just a worthless piece of shit.

So what if I am much more capable than the others.

- No one will see your effort and acknowledge it, idiot.

So what if I am tired of everything.

- No one cares please. Stop being a bitch.
Stop being a sensitive bitch.
People around you are suffering because of you.
You are killing everyone's mood.
Why can't you just suck it up and get over it bitch.
Stop making things difficult for others.
You know what, maybe you're better of dead.
Just leave. No one wants such negative person around.

I really don't.

Is there any possible way that nothing will actually link you to all these stuff or people?

I guess not.

It's impossible.

Not too sure what am I missing.

Dont think I wish to find out.

Why cant I just not know anything or find out anything at all?

I didnt wish to know.

I dont wish to know.

I will never want to know.

Not knowing.

Knowing hurts.

Knowing that they matter to you so much hurts.

Knowing hurts. 

It hurts so bad I wish I didnt know. 

Caring makes me hurt.

Should I not care then?

Maybe I should but I dont know how.

Putting myself in so many people's shoes.

Doesnt seem right to me still.

It hurts still.

Stop.

Telling myself to stop overthinking.
Stop, Jia Huey. Stop.

Just wondering

Sometimes when I'm doing stuff concerning you or us I would wonder.
Are you thinking of me now too?

Being an introvert.

Introverts are at their best when they’re doing things that don’t involve being in the midst of others. 

Introverts are thoughtful.

Ignorance is bliss.

I'm trying to ignore or forget whatever I've seen.

But it does not make me happy.

Where is my bliss?

Guess I'm not being ignorant enough.

True love.

It's not about remembering anniversaries or honeymoon phases.

It's about loving someone at their worst.
When they are most raw and vulnerable.
At the moment where all their strength has evaporated and their resolve has completely shattered.

Being able to wrap your arms around that person and love them when they're not being so lovable.

That, to me, is true love.

Don't.

Don't let me be right on this. 

Do you still?

I wonder if you have the same feelings as me whenever I look at my phone's lock screen and wallpaper.

that's all i could think about.

If only you were here to see how happy I was knowing that the meeting has been brought forward tomorrow.

All i think about is that I will be able to see you first thing after work tomorrow without further delay.

Always and forever.

Hi!

This empty scroll is made for you to fill it up with your wishes and goals.
Let make this day the day you start running towards your aims.
You may put in crazy unrealistic stuff that you think you may not be able to ever achieve too!
Because there is no limit to what a person wants.
Go wild with your imagination and who knows one day you would be able to achieve them afterall!

Good luck, my love.
You know I love you.
Always and forever.

The irony.

What's more upsetting or hurts is that when I'm planning and doing something for you and simultaneously, we are fighting or arguing.

Looking at my work that I've done, I felt even more upset.

My intention was to make you happy with the stuff that I'm working on but the stuff is being made with emotions that are affected due to our arguments.

How ironic.

The last time it happened was your bday. Trying to do something for your big day with tears and depression.

This time round, your convocation.

It is like loving you with emotions of anger or upset at the same time.

It does not even make sense.

My intention is supposed to be good. Really good. Because I really love you..

TBH

To be frank, I blame the third party sometimes.

I really do wonder

When I put my feelings after yours.
We argue.

When I put my feelings before yours.
Everything will be fine.
Or least they SEEM fine.
Because my feelings still remain in me.
It's still lingering in my mind.
It's always bugging my brain and ultimately messes up my emotions.

When I can't could it any much longer,
I put my feelings out after yours.
We argue.

And the cycle continues.

Who is there to blame.
Why does this happen in the first place if we are truly interested and willing to accept each other's feelings and thoughts.
Why can't we accept the differences in our views.
Is it a must to have our beliefs aligned?
Why does one side has to be right or wrong?

Is it really not possible to have 2 existing different views and to accept or respect one's thought?

Unsettling.

Had a sleepless night.

Because there's an unsettled business.

Am I the only one feeling so?

Even when you are mad.

We're just too similar.

Perceptions

N/A

Im tempted to make dessert. 

I can't sleep. I miss you. 

I don't dare to say this to you for I'm afraid you would feel pressured to come to me. 

But I really miss you. 

Slowly losing it.

I'm afraid things are really changing. 

I do not recall crying alone in the room like a mad soul ever in this relationship. 

He would always be by my side. 

He used to the person who refused to leave because he wants the issue to be resolved immediately. 

He is now tired. He couldn't face me anymore. 

Whatever I have in mind couldn't be delivered properly without having him to interrupt and remind me about how guilty I am. 

My stories can never be completed. 

I used to be the one who refused to talk but now my words couldn't even be delivered completely without being judged. 

I know I'm at fault as well but my apology do not seem to be sufficient to get by the constant blame n reminder of how wrong I was. 

Today is the first time I took so long to get home from work. I usually speed b cut queue and drive like an ass because I'm eager to be home and be with him not wanting him to wait for me. 

Knowing that I wouldn't be able to make it back to have enough time with him before he goes off again I told him not to wait for me. 

The moment the phone call was over. I completely lose the drive to go home.I've never driven this slow before and letting cars cut in and out basically not only i do not feel the need to rush home anymore but in fact i do not even wanna go home anymore. Probably because I'm too afraid to be alone in the house again. I would rather spend my time in the car alone amongst other cars. 

My fear of being alone overpowered my other fear when I decided to go to the petrol station despite my car do not even need to pump petrol. 

I really didn't wanna go home alone. 

I didn't have the appetite to eat. I couldn't figure it is because I do not have the mood or maybe I just didn't wanna eat alone again. 

I took my own sweet time getting off the car feeling actually satisfied that for once I wasn't rushing for anything because then I know my baby doesn't have to wait for me. 

I got home without knowing what to do. I have no food that needed to be eaten. So I cleared my mess i hung my clothes i did my laundry including his. I showered and continued to clear my mind by checking off the list of stuff that I should be doing. I ironed his shirt and all that were done were done with him in mind. 

Not wanting to see him wash his shirt, not wanting him to have a wrinkled shirt. 

All these too were done while wondering where he is and whether he would message or call me. Realizing that none of it was happening I figured that he was mad at me. I understand. I'm aware that I'm at fault too. 

Looking at the time foreseeing he would still be having fun with his friends I waited. I read my book and as usual I went to bed. Deep inside I know that sooner or later he would call me. 

True enough he came to me. With hopes that he would actually feel what I'm feeling, our discussion became a blame game. The only difference here is that he always manage to finish whatever he has to say. 

There isn't a time that my side gets to be finished and in fact it always ends terribly when he would say stuff that hurts my feelings making me to not want to continue whatever I wanted to share. Too hurt to resume my side of the issue especially knowing that he always sees it as something that I have brought upon myself, my own issue and me being sensitive. Im on my own. 

The feeling of being alone terrifies me not only in terms of physical. But also mentally when I realized that no one is going to stand by me or be on my side. I just wished that he could be on my side once in awhile even if I'm being negative and agree to whatever I'm feeling at that instant because trust me, deep inside I know everything will be alright and eventually the issue will subside. Words of comfort does not do the trick to the negative me. In fact it makes it worst for I'm at the point of releasing my emotions and frustrations. I needed it I needed to let go of my emotions n negativity. Stopping me will only suffocate me. 

I'm aware of his well intention but im afraid that he still does not get me and along with my terrible self expression im really afraid that things are changing. He is getting tired. And I have unfinished business in expressing myself. I am working on it and it has been getting better but it is definitely not good enough still. 

Im afraid I wouldn't be able to make it on time seeing how things are changing. It will probably end before I successfully changed myself for the better. And when that time comes, guilty is charged, again. 

What about me?

Why do I have to pay for someone else's mistakes and lacking? 

When I'm the only one.

I always have things planned out well. 

As in timing and what not. 

I'm always punctual and even early most of the time for I fear being late and it just feels better knowing that I'm ahead of time. Even if something unexpected happen I will still have the extra time to work something out. 

Yes, I have been late as well. But it is usually done on purpose knowing that the consequences to it will not affect me badly. 

I guess due to my habit and attitude. I love working according to a schedule. A well planned schedule that I come up with. It always works great when it only involves me. 

However things do not only evolve around me and I have to live with making plans and following a schedule that matches me and others. 

Unfortunate for me, I'm surrounded by people who doesn't seem to see things the same way as I do. We do not see the importance of being on time or actually having a schedule to follow in the same way. 

I understand how things work differently for others and not all of them are like me. However I cant help it. I do expect them to be somewhere and to be doing something at a certain time. And when it is not happening the way I expected it to. It ruins my mood because it ruins the mental schedule and expectations that I in advance for whatever event that is taking place. 

I wish I could care less about it. 

I should even it has made me the person I am today. 

Because I need to get used to it. 

Noone is ever going to be just like me except me.  

I will not regret.

I may have doubted my decision to only remember him for his good. 

But it is the positive side of him that made me fall for him. 

That makes me think that he's a keeper. 

A keeper. I've always wished to be called a keeper. Noone has ever called me a keeper. It makes a person feel special and simply happy for it acknowledges the person's presence in one's life. 

I will never regret anything about us even if things do not work out in the end.

Because right now I believe that I am really in love with you and that you are definitely a keeper. 

This adds on to my fear. 

Please do not leave me. 

I know I probably shouldn't show such vulnerable side of me when it comes to my relationship. 

It devalues my worth for him love me any more than I deserve. 

But I can't seem to deny it.

Thanks for letting me see the possibility of me being loved. 

I can only wish.

Wishes do not come true. Not all. 

Im my own genie, im my own god, im my own breadwinner, im my only hope that helps in making my wishes come true. 

The only way..

To overcome my fears, jealousy, anxiety, anger or any other feelings. 

Sleep is the only way. 

Lame but it does the trick. 

Have you ever..

Have you ever wondered what others are doing when you all alone at home?

Have you ever wondered how is like to be someone else?

Have you ever wondered what others may think about you?

Have you ever wondered if anyone misses you? 

Have you ever wondered why you are where you are or what you are today?

Have you ever wondered why can't you be someone else?

Have you ever wondered why things are unfair to you?

Have you ever wondered if anyone is hiding something from you?

Have you ever wondered if someone is truly sincere to you?

Have you ever wondered if anything good will ever happen to you?

Have you ever wondered whatever you are doing now will be what you hope it will be?

I have. 

Letting my brain juice flow.

It has been 4 months since actually spoke to each other.

It’s crazy how things have progressed between us in just 4 months time.

Never in my wildest dream would I have imagined that we will be what we are today.

In fact, I will be what I am today too.

3 to 4 months have always seem like a short time for me but judging from what has happened in this “short” duration, I realized that I might just be wrong about it or I may be looking at things differently now. Or again, my favourite excuse: its circumstantial.

Being an adult now no longer deniable, thanks to the undergraduate to graduate transition. Or even better, graduate to employee transition.

I’m horrified with how things have changed and progressed in just a few months. Not just in bad ways but also good ways.

One of the main reasons why I love writing is because it allows me to reflect on my past, present and most importantly, myself.

As usual my thoughts are completely unorganised. I am determined to do something for a short while then I will forget about it. I guess I am not so determined afterall.

I need to read the books that I have bought.

I need to write more.

I need to keep a lookout for job opportunities in Singapore.

I need to prepare for my boyfriend’s birthday in advance.

I need to figure out how to manage my financial status and expenses.

I need to properly delegate my time for my loved ones.

Speaking of loved ones, I am afraid that I do not spend enough time with my family or more specifically, mom. Especially when she is not in a good shape. Unlike other mothers among my peers, my mom is not exactly physically fit to travel. Hence I do not get to spend time with my mom outside the vicinity of my house.

I’ve cried so many times thinking about my mother whom I love dearly. How tough her life has been and how things are always unfair to her. She has been through so many hardships and at the end of the day, she is not even granted the health that enables her to travel about with her loved ones. Another sad part is that, there is actually nothing much I could do but to visit her back at home when I have the chance to. It makes her really happy, I know. And I hate the fact that this is the only way that I can be with my mom.

I always blame the god or destiny or whatever for the life that I am currently living.

I’m not born with a silver spoon, I’m not born with good looks, I’m not born with outstanding talents, I do not have many quality friends etc etc. In other words, I think I am just not born lucky enough.

And the reason I say so is because I shamefully compare myself with others.

Im envious of how others can spend great times with their family on vacation in places that I can never go.

Im envious of how others are able to study overseas even if they are not as bright as me.

Im envious of how others have great friends that cares a lot about them.

Im envious of others.

I do not feel proud at all to admit so. I hate to admit it. But it is the truth. And being envious is bringing me nowhere. I know.

I hate that I am aware of all this things and I cant seem to make things change for the better.

I hate that I am helpless.

I really do hate myself for being the person I am sometimes.

I fear everything because I have no confidence.

Because I tend to believe that I ruin everything.

My relationship. My everything.

Because again, my excuse is that I am born lacking in so many ways.

And again, knowing that my thought is wrong.

I cant seem to change it and im hating myself more and more.

How twisted and crazy my mind can be.

Knowing what is bad to me and choosing to believe it and in the end hating myself for it.

What is wrong with me. 

Acceptance

It's sad that what I  have or do not have is incomparable to others. And I hate to admit it. 

Never.

Reminder to self: Do not make others feel the way you felt. If you didn't like it, others will not appreciate it too. Don't be an ass and make things worse. 

I blame myself.

I hate to be made fun of. 

I hate that I'm sensitive. 

I hate it when I'm being belittled.

I hate it. I hate almost everything about myself. 

When conflict happens I can't voice out my true thoughts because it shows how vulnerable and hateful I am. 

I refuse to show such a side of mine. 

However remaining quiet has not been working well for me as well. 

Im deemed as guilty (which may be true). 

Im seen as if I'm avoiding the problem (which may be true as well because I wished that the problem has not existed at all). 

Noone will be able to accept the way I am when facing such issues unless one is being extremely big hearted and able to overlook my weaknesses. 

A person like me needs someone who is willing to give way and open up a path for me to walk by through the issue knowing that I'm very well aware of my own issues and that I'm working on it. Most importantly is to forgive me. 

I can only blame myself for everything that has happened. 

Even as much as I would like to avoid the blame. 

Or even if the blame isn't on me. 

I'm the cause for all. 

The cost of rage.

Never drive when you are raging. 

That's what people said. 

How about never rage when you are driving? That makes sense too. 

Almost got into accident. 

If it did happened, I'm not at fault legally. 

However, I did speed. I'll admit to that. 

I speed when I rage. 

I will get into trouble one day if I continue to do so. 

Im aware of it. 

Contemplation

I always advice others not to overlook the bad of their partners because I do not wish to see them blinded by the good. 

Ironically, i only keep track of the good of my partner (like literally in a notebook) because I do not wish to forget and disacknowledge his efforts and to let go, forgive and forget the bad that has happened. 

So is my contradictory action proves that my advice for others had been purely hypocritical and unsubstantiated or that I'm just being idiotic to not take my own advice? 

I can't figure it out. Which is right and which is wrong? Is it circumstantial? Or I'm just trying to make an excuse for my foolishness again? 

I'm really trying. Please acknowledge it..

I'm definitely not perfect. Tolerance is absolutely important. I'm absolutely aware of that. I tried. I really tried. And I am still trying. But I do wish that I do not have to try so hard sometimes. 

Dream job?

Just yesterday I saw a person i knew having a job that i wanted. It made me jealous. For real. I rarely feel this way but seeing others (especially someone I actually knew) living a job that i wish I could have hurts. 

Being able to write and publish materials that are able to gain real views. How satisfying that could be. Not only you are able to do something that you like, you are able the to gauge the amount of attention n interest that you have garnered instantaneously from the piece that you have written. How enviable is that. 

This reminds me of another job that I am envious about which is calligrapher. Seb Lester in particular. Art. Writing. Something i would love to do n be good at. However im not talented in such ways. 

I believe I am not gifted with any special talents. Not that I'm aware of. Hence I seriously so not know what I am actually good at.   What exactly am I passionate about? But does that make me great at what I'm passionate about? 

I have dreams. Or had. But they're just dreams. Dreams that doesnt make money. 

They're deemed impractical at the moment for now I desperately needs to earn more money. 

It's unfortunate really. 

Life of a person who is not born with a silver spoon. 

Even the strong cries.

The song Weak really hits me every time I listen to it. 

From the entries in this blog I think one will be able to catch how temperamental I am. 

22 and graduated.

Yeap, 22 and graduated. 

Now what? 

22 may seem like a really young age to be graduated or to be a real working adult. 

But it all depends. 

22 may seem quite early for one to be working in the society. Once you start working you will not be able to see the end of it. That is what I thought. Which may still be true to a certain extent. 

But to achieve something greater, I believe it is good to able to start young as well to take account of the possibility of failing and trying and whatnot. 

Im trying to aim higher but I still working on what my aim is. I need it. I need to need it. 

Midnight thoughts.

I have so much thoughts that i wish i could put into words. But i cant find an outlet that allows me to do so freely and easily. Too much in mind. Too little time and im restricted by inconvenience. I wish i could have it all written down. Stored. And never forgotten. Human brains are too ignorant. I need an outlet to remind myself of what matters most in life. I do not wish to be ignorant. I realize how much it is causing me and how I'm drifting away from the life I thought I still have control of. I was wrong. I am wrong. Very wrong. 

I'm back. Again.

Couldn't find any other platform that allows me to express my thoughts on the go without publicity. I need to write. I really need this. I cant live without talking to myself and putting down my thoughts. I do not have enough time to literally write. This is the best i could do. For now.