Letting my brain juice flow.

It has been 4 months since actually spoke to each other.

It’s crazy how things have progressed between us in just 4 months time.

Never in my wildest dream would I have imagined that we will be what we are today.

In fact, I will be what I am today too.

3 to 4 months have always seem like a short time for me but judging from what has happened in this “short” duration, I realized that I might just be wrong about it or I may be looking at things differently now. Or again, my favourite excuse: its circumstantial.

Being an adult now no longer deniable, thanks to the undergraduate to graduate transition. Or even better, graduate to employee transition.

I’m horrified with how things have changed and progressed in just a few months. Not just in bad ways but also good ways.

One of the main reasons why I love writing is because it allows me to reflect on my past, present and most importantly, myself.

As usual my thoughts are completely unorganised. I am determined to do something for a short while then I will forget about it. I guess I am not so determined afterall.

I need to read the books that I have bought.

I need to write more.

I need to keep a lookout for job opportunities in Singapore.

I need to prepare for my boyfriend’s birthday in advance.

I need to figure out how to manage my financial status and expenses.

I need to properly delegate my time for my loved ones.

Speaking of loved ones, I am afraid that I do not spend enough time with my family or more specifically, mom. Especially when she is not in a good shape. Unlike other mothers among my peers, my mom is not exactly physically fit to travel. Hence I do not get to spend time with my mom outside the vicinity of my house.

I’ve cried so many times thinking about my mother whom I love dearly. How tough her life has been and how things are always unfair to her. She has been through so many hardships and at the end of the day, she is not even granted the health that enables her to travel about with her loved ones. Another sad part is that, there is actually nothing much I could do but to visit her back at home when I have the chance to. It makes her really happy, I know. And I hate the fact that this is the only way that I can be with my mom.

I always blame the god or destiny or whatever for the life that I am currently living.

I’m not born with a silver spoon, I’m not born with good looks, I’m not born with outstanding talents, I do not have many quality friends etc etc. In other words, I think I am just not born lucky enough.

And the reason I say so is because I shamefully compare myself with others.

Im envious of how others can spend great times with their family on vacation in places that I can never go.

Im envious of how others are able to study overseas even if they are not as bright as me.

Im envious of how others have great friends that cares a lot about them.

Im envious of others.

I do not feel proud at all to admit so. I hate to admit it. But it is the truth. And being envious is bringing me nowhere. I know.

I hate that I am aware of all this things and I cant seem to make things change for the better.

I hate that I am helpless.

I really do hate myself for being the person I am sometimes.

I fear everything because I have no confidence.

Because I tend to believe that I ruin everything.

My relationship. My everything.

Because again, my excuse is that I am born lacking in so many ways.

And again, knowing that my thought is wrong.

I cant seem to change it and im hating myself more and more.

How twisted and crazy my mind can be.

Knowing what is bad to me and choosing to believe it and in the end hating myself for it.

What is wrong with me.