Slowly losing it.

I'm afraid things are really changing. 

I do not recall crying alone in the room like a mad soul ever in this relationship. 

He would always be by my side. 

He used to the person who refused to leave because he wants the issue to be resolved immediately. 

He is now tired. He couldn't face me anymore. 

Whatever I have in mind couldn't be delivered properly without having him to interrupt and remind me about how guilty I am. 

My stories can never be completed. 

I used to be the one who refused to talk but now my words couldn't even be delivered completely without being judged. 

I know I'm at fault as well but my apology do not seem to be sufficient to get by the constant blame n reminder of how wrong I was. 

Today is the first time I took so long to get home from work. I usually speed b cut queue and drive like an ass because I'm eager to be home and be with him not wanting him to wait for me. 

Knowing that I wouldn't be able to make it back to have enough time with him before he goes off again I told him not to wait for me. 

The moment the phone call was over. I completely lose the drive to go home.I've never driven this slow before and letting cars cut in and out basically not only i do not feel the need to rush home anymore but in fact i do not even wanna go home anymore. Probably because I'm too afraid to be alone in the house again. I would rather spend my time in the car alone amongst other cars. 

My fear of being alone overpowered my other fear when I decided to go to the petrol station despite my car do not even need to pump petrol. 

I really didn't wanna go home alone. 

I didn't have the appetite to eat. I couldn't figure it is because I do not have the mood or maybe I just didn't wanna eat alone again. 

I took my own sweet time getting off the car feeling actually satisfied that for once I wasn't rushing for anything because then I know my baby doesn't have to wait for me. 

I got home without knowing what to do. I have no food that needed to be eaten. So I cleared my mess i hung my clothes i did my laundry including his. I showered and continued to clear my mind by checking off the list of stuff that I should be doing. I ironed his shirt and all that were done were done with him in mind. 

Not wanting to see him wash his shirt, not wanting him to have a wrinkled shirt. 

All these too were done while wondering where he is and whether he would message or call me. Realizing that none of it was happening I figured that he was mad at me. I understand. I'm aware that I'm at fault too. 

Looking at the time foreseeing he would still be having fun with his friends I waited. I read my book and as usual I went to bed. Deep inside I know that sooner or later he would call me. 

True enough he came to me. With hopes that he would actually feel what I'm feeling, our discussion became a blame game. The only difference here is that he always manage to finish whatever he has to say. 

There isn't a time that my side gets to be finished and in fact it always ends terribly when he would say stuff that hurts my feelings making me to not want to continue whatever I wanted to share. Too hurt to resume my side of the issue especially knowing that he always sees it as something that I have brought upon myself, my own issue and me being sensitive. Im on my own. 

The feeling of being alone terrifies me not only in terms of physical. But also mentally when I realized that no one is going to stand by me or be on my side. I just wished that he could be on my side once in awhile even if I'm being negative and agree to whatever I'm feeling at that instant because trust me, deep inside I know everything will be alright and eventually the issue will subside. Words of comfort does not do the trick to the negative me. In fact it makes it worst for I'm at the point of releasing my emotions and frustrations. I needed it I needed to let go of my emotions n negativity. Stopping me will only suffocate me. 

I'm aware of his well intention but im afraid that he still does not get me and along with my terrible self expression im really afraid that things are changing. He is getting tired. And I have unfinished business in expressing myself. I am working on it and it has been getting better but it is definitely not good enough still. 

Im afraid I wouldn't be able to make it on time seeing how things are changing. It will probably end before I successfully changed myself for the better. And when that time comes, guilty is charged, again.