Is there still a need to sugar coat words even with the person I am in a relationship with?

It has really taken its toll on me.

Not sure if you have seen the change in me.
When you got mad, i remained calm and tried to control and contain my emotions.
Didnt wanna do the same mistake like how I used to.
Didnt wanna flip the switch in me to be mad when I see you got mad.
I tried. I really tried.
I tried not to play the victim.
I chose to walk away from all your tantrums because I wanna control my emotion. I didnt wanna throw the same fit as you like how it always happens.
I tried to figure out whats the problem really.
And as usual I feel like it's nobody's fault.
You think I do not understand why you are reacting such way.
I do. I really do.
But at the same time, I felt like I have my reasons to respond to you in the way I did.
And once again, we are just thinking and feeling from our individual point of view.
There's nothing wrong with it to me really.
I knew we both are sensitive towards our own feelings the day started arguing like this when we just got together in the beginning.
I tried explaining to you over and over again and seeing that it still happens now, I do not think you get it or maybe you just cant agree to it.
To me, it is just one simple thing.
Being able to agree to disagree.
That's what tolerating is.
And tolerance is the key to every relationship. I genuinely believe so.

Watching you reacting in a such a way hurts but what hurts more is when you said that you wish that I would just agree to what you say naively and not having anything to comment.
the moment you said that, my heart just shattered.
I felt like my heart has been ripped into piece over and over again.
I felt like I'm seriously not the right person for you.
I listened to your opinion and acknowledged it. But somehow i'm just not allowed to say anything about it. Because apparently I shouldnt. Not the right time.

All this while I thought my opinion mattered. I thought that being someone who is able to give a thoughtful feedback especially to my boyfriend is great. Because I do not have to feel restricted to say things that may offend the person because you are no stranger to me.

I thought that conversations that we have are mature discussions about our life which is what make us grow.

I just thought that talking to me would shed you a new light to think about things.

I thought this is the way we are bringing out the best in each other?

I thought we could say alot of things and help each other realize stuff and remind each other stuffs?

What I thought was all proven wrong when you told me that you wished that I just do not have an opinion sometimes. 

You do not want a girl like me.

You want a xiao nv ren who obediently listens and agrees to what you say.

I'm not close to being the person you want in your life.

Maybe half because I am that xiao nv ren but on top of that I do have my opinions.

I know I am not the most positive person in the world.

I agree.

But i believe that what i am could be of a great balance to others because i show people different sides of the page and how seeing from a different perspective could help people make their decisions better because you have seen all the good and the bad. 

Unfortunately, that's not the kinda balance you want in your life.

I'm not the other half that you wish I am. 

It hurts. It really does hurt. 

I've done my part of tolerating in the relationship. You may not see it.

But now it just feels like it is not even about tolerating anymore.

It is like you need a different person in your life.

I couldnt stop crying really.

I've never ever cried so hard in my life that I couldnt stop like that.

But it hurts. It hurts so so bad.

To feel like I'm not the person you want or need in your life.

Thinking that all this time, being an opinionated gf has made you a better person is all wrong.

so wrong. 

Instead of thinking that my opinion has helped you to think and grow, you felt like I should not have even said anything at all.

I thought of all the things that I have done for you. 

All the things that I have tried my best to do for you.

And thinking about how everything turns out in the end.

I cant get the images off my mind.

The images of you throwing things, slamming the door and stomping the floor.

What exactly have I done to deserve all that?

Because I gave an opinion?

Because I'm simply not the person you want by your side.

This is why it hurts so bad that I cant stop thinking about it and crying about it.

I feel like I am not the person you want or need in life.

I'm not her.

And I dont know how and what I can do to change about myself anymore. 

True?

When a woman is "tripping" she cares.
When a woman is "mad" she believed in you and you let her down.
When she's "asking questions" she is trying to gain clarity.
When she's quiet and letting things "slide" she is giving up.
And when she is not doing any of the above just know that you lost a good woman.

I spoke so much good of you to my friends to the extent that I started to feel as if I am gloating.

#imy

Felt extremely happy and proud when people praised you. Made me miss you more than ever.

When change is necessary.

People complain about how certain people change when they are in a relationship. Some claimed that they are spending too much time on their partners. Why is that bad? Why change is bad? Who is it to say that it is wrong or right? Why does it have to be one way and not other way?

I'm toxic. I love you but maybe it is better for you to leave me?

Never doubted my love for you. What worries me is that I love you so much that I'm becoming a toxic to you. 

I love you so much, I wish you could always be on my side and ONLY my side. I hate your friend. I do not hate that species for no reason. I thought you knew. I expected you to stand by my side because I love you so much I thought you would understand how I feel. I understand how you feel too. I know it is a difficult position for you but I'm a toxic, I can't accept you standing in the middle and not on ONLY my side. I hate to see you still talking to that species especially when you initiated it. I hate to see that species talking to you, wishing that that species will freaking get lost and leave you alone because you are mine. That's how much I love you and how toxic my thoughts can be. You do not deserve to have such crazy gf. Ugly truth: Yes, I wish you can cut and end ties with that species. That's how crazy I am and I hate to admit that. I will completely understand if you cant accept such thoughts and leave me. 

I was absolutely glad to have a chance to be a part of your gathering with your coursemates. I really want to leave a good impression to them and I want them to like me so much. I could have done better but I guess I did not bad for the first time. I wanted to switch things around. Hoping you could see that your gf is socialable too and not just good at making enemies with people that you know. I really hope you could change the way you look at me. i love you so much that I really care how you think of me and i know so far you had not been seeing the good in me. it is obvious especially during the time i said i love you with tears. you doubted me. to you, whatever i say or do happens because of something negative in me. all you see is negativity in me. my positivity do not matter anymore because the negativity in me is what you can only see and care for. if i have a 80% positivity in me, you would only see 6% of it. evrything else overshadows my good and this is where i feel underappreciated and worthless.

I love you so much that I want to feel wanted. I want to be missed, I want to be in ur mind all the time, I want to be the person you choose over anything or anyone else, I want you to make me feel worthy, secure and special. I do not want divided love and care from you. I do not want to share anything about you with anyone else other than your family. I want to be the significant one. I'm selfish. I want you to please me by having matters the way I wish them to. 

I'm toxic. I'm selfish. I'm sorry. I love you.