Poker faced.

I'm not exactly happy that I'm leaving home tomorrow.

I thought I would be happy.

But I guess I've gotten used to be the unproductive daughter lingering at home.

I'm actually sad all over again.

Like how the first time I left for my Pre-U studies but it's Degree this time round.

Thinking of how I will have to go back to K Hell all by myself tomorrow is so simple

but knowing that going back there is equivalent to the start of something new again is overwhelming.

I'm tired actually.

In fact, I'm tired of this life already.

Why is life such a long and oppressive course.

I'm NOT getting all worked up or emo about life now.

In fact, I'm trying hard to live it up and definitely not giving up.

But I'm just not that passionate either.

Simply tired of life and I'm just gonna live and let live.

Fuck this shit.

Like seriously, profanity is a necessity nowadays.
Yes, it is not something nice or pretty especially coming from a female.
But I can only suppress myself from verbalizing profanity (to a certain extent) and
NOT from writing them.

Anyhow, profanity does help in making a human more human.
At least this is what I believe.
I am not the kinda person who lashes out physically to alleviate my emotion when I'm upset.
I'm more to a verbal kinda person which is also the reason why I might have impaired some unlucky participants in the past. (Note: IN THE PAST)


In these days, profanity performs a role in my miserable life mitigating my despondency.
It helps only in the commencement of some shit that happened, slowly guiding me to my senses.

It's sad. Really.

Karma is a bitch.

So is life. And maybe me too.

Engraving thoughts assuring myself that everything will be great and fine.

Lies. All self reassuring lies.

The effects have worn off. Or I simply have to accept the truth now.

It’s not gonna be great. It’s not gonna be fine.

It’s like I’m being haunted or something.

But there’s only myself to be blamed.

What happens now? Future?

How I wish I could find out first hand and be fortified to grasp the nettle.

Friends assuring me that everything will be fine.

Helped a little at that particular moment.

However, the feeling of unsure and insecure start seeping in the next moment.

Yes, maybe I’m just paranoid but I believe it is for a good reason which apparently only acknowledged by me.

I wish I could do something.

But I’m not sure what I could do anymore or maybe there’s nothing I could do after all.

It’s like I’m awaiting some kinda catastrophe in an utter helpless state.

I admit that guilt is the main reason I’m feeling so perturbed about all this shit happening and about to happen.

This is why I can’t go all hunky dory to the university as if nothing ever happened.

It’s eating me up on the inside.