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Im tempted to make dessert. 

I can't sleep. I miss you. 

I don't dare to say this to you for I'm afraid you would feel pressured to come to me. 

But I really miss you. 

Slowly losing it.

I'm afraid things are really changing. 

I do not recall crying alone in the room like a mad soul ever in this relationship. 

He would always be by my side. 

He used to the person who refused to leave because he wants the issue to be resolved immediately. 

He is now tired. He couldn't face me anymore. 

Whatever I have in mind couldn't be delivered properly without having him to interrupt and remind me about how guilty I am. 

My stories can never be completed. 

I used to be the one who refused to talk but now my words couldn't even be delivered completely without being judged. 

I know I'm at fault as well but my apology do not seem to be sufficient to get by the constant blame n reminder of how wrong I was. 

Today is the first time I took so long to get home from work. I usually speed b cut queue and drive like an ass because I'm eager to be home and be with him not wanting him to wait for me. 

Knowing that I wouldn't be able to make it back to have enough time with him before he goes off again I told him not to wait for me. 

The moment the phone call was over. I completely lose the drive to go home.I've never driven this slow before and letting cars cut in and out basically not only i do not feel the need to rush home anymore but in fact i do not even wanna go home anymore. Probably because I'm too afraid to be alone in the house again. I would rather spend my time in the car alone amongst other cars. 

My fear of being alone overpowered my other fear when I decided to go to the petrol station despite my car do not even need to pump petrol. 

I really didn't wanna go home alone. 

I didn't have the appetite to eat. I couldn't figure it is because I do not have the mood or maybe I just didn't wanna eat alone again. 

I took my own sweet time getting off the car feeling actually satisfied that for once I wasn't rushing for anything because then I know my baby doesn't have to wait for me. 

I got home without knowing what to do. I have no food that needed to be eaten. So I cleared my mess i hung my clothes i did my laundry including his. I showered and continued to clear my mind by checking off the list of stuff that I should be doing. I ironed his shirt and all that were done were done with him in mind. 

Not wanting to see him wash his shirt, not wanting him to have a wrinkled shirt. 

All these too were done while wondering where he is and whether he would message or call me. Realizing that none of it was happening I figured that he was mad at me. I understand. I'm aware that I'm at fault too. 

Looking at the time foreseeing he would still be having fun with his friends I waited. I read my book and as usual I went to bed. Deep inside I know that sooner or later he would call me. 

True enough he came to me. With hopes that he would actually feel what I'm feeling, our discussion became a blame game. The only difference here is that he always manage to finish whatever he has to say. 

There isn't a time that my side gets to be finished and in fact it always ends terribly when he would say stuff that hurts my feelings making me to not want to continue whatever I wanted to share. Too hurt to resume my side of the issue especially knowing that he always sees it as something that I have brought upon myself, my own issue and me being sensitive. Im on my own. 

The feeling of being alone terrifies me not only in terms of physical. But also mentally when I realized that no one is going to stand by me or be on my side. I just wished that he could be on my side once in awhile even if I'm being negative and agree to whatever I'm feeling at that instant because trust me, deep inside I know everything will be alright and eventually the issue will subside. Words of comfort does not do the trick to the negative me. In fact it makes it worst for I'm at the point of releasing my emotions and frustrations. I needed it I needed to let go of my emotions n negativity. Stopping me will only suffocate me. 

I'm aware of his well intention but im afraid that he still does not get me and along with my terrible self expression im really afraid that things are changing. He is getting tired. And I have unfinished business in expressing myself. I am working on it and it has been getting better but it is definitely not good enough still. 

Im afraid I wouldn't be able to make it on time seeing how things are changing. It will probably end before I successfully changed myself for the better. And when that time comes, guilty is charged, again. 

What about me?

Why do I have to pay for someone else's mistakes and lacking? 

When I'm the only one.

I always have things planned out well. 

As in timing and what not. 

I'm always punctual and even early most of the time for I fear being late and it just feels better knowing that I'm ahead of time. Even if something unexpected happen I will still have the extra time to work something out. 

Yes, I have been late as well. But it is usually done on purpose knowing that the consequences to it will not affect me badly. 

I guess due to my habit and attitude. I love working according to a schedule. A well planned schedule that I come up with. It always works great when it only involves me. 

However things do not only evolve around me and I have to live with making plans and following a schedule that matches me and others. 

Unfortunate for me, I'm surrounded by people who doesn't seem to see things the same way as I do. We do not see the importance of being on time or actually having a schedule to follow in the same way. 

I understand how things work differently for others and not all of them are like me. However I cant help it. I do expect them to be somewhere and to be doing something at a certain time. And when it is not happening the way I expected it to. It ruins my mood because it ruins the mental schedule and expectations that I in advance for whatever event that is taking place. 

I wish I could care less about it. 

I should even it has made me the person I am today. 

Because I need to get used to it. 

Noone is ever going to be just like me except me.  

I will not regret.

I may have doubted my decision to only remember him for his good. 

But it is the positive side of him that made me fall for him. 

That makes me think that he's a keeper. 

A keeper. I've always wished to be called a keeper. Noone has ever called me a keeper. It makes a person feel special and simply happy for it acknowledges the person's presence in one's life. 

I will never regret anything about us even if things do not work out in the end.

Because right now I believe that I am really in love with you and that you are definitely a keeper. 

This adds on to my fear. 

Please do not leave me. 

I know I probably shouldn't show such vulnerable side of me when it comes to my relationship. 

It devalues my worth for him love me any more than I deserve. 

But I can't seem to deny it.

Thanks for letting me see the possibility of me being loved. 

I can only wish.

Wishes do not come true. Not all. 

Im my own genie, im my own god, im my own breadwinner, im my only hope that helps in making my wishes come true. 

The only way..

To overcome my fears, jealousy, anxiety, anger or any other feelings. 

Sleep is the only way. 

Lame but it does the trick. 

Have you ever..

Have you ever wondered what others are doing when you all alone at home?

Have you ever wondered how is like to be someone else?

Have you ever wondered what others may think about you?

Have you ever wondered if anyone misses you? 

Have you ever wondered why you are where you are or what you are today?

Have you ever wondered why can't you be someone else?

Have you ever wondered why things are unfair to you?

Have you ever wondered if anyone is hiding something from you?

Have you ever wondered if someone is truly sincere to you?

Have you ever wondered if anything good will ever happen to you?

Have you ever wondered whatever you are doing now will be what you hope it will be?

I have. 

Letting my brain juice flow.

It has been 4 months since actually spoke to each other.

It’s crazy how things have progressed between us in just 4 months time.

Never in my wildest dream would I have imagined that we will be what we are today.

In fact, I will be what I am today too.

3 to 4 months have always seem like a short time for me but judging from what has happened in this “short” duration, I realized that I might just be wrong about it or I may be looking at things differently now. Or again, my favourite excuse: its circumstantial.

Being an adult now no longer deniable, thanks to the undergraduate to graduate transition. Or even better, graduate to employee transition.

I’m horrified with how things have changed and progressed in just a few months. Not just in bad ways but also good ways.

One of the main reasons why I love writing is because it allows me to reflect on my past, present and most importantly, myself.

As usual my thoughts are completely unorganised. I am determined to do something for a short while then I will forget about it. I guess I am not so determined afterall.

I need to read the books that I have bought.

I need to write more.

I need to keep a lookout for job opportunities in Singapore.

I need to prepare for my boyfriend’s birthday in advance.

I need to figure out how to manage my financial status and expenses.

I need to properly delegate my time for my loved ones.

Speaking of loved ones, I am afraid that I do not spend enough time with my family or more specifically, mom. Especially when she is not in a good shape. Unlike other mothers among my peers, my mom is not exactly physically fit to travel. Hence I do not get to spend time with my mom outside the vicinity of my house.

I’ve cried so many times thinking about my mother whom I love dearly. How tough her life has been and how things are always unfair to her. She has been through so many hardships and at the end of the day, she is not even granted the health that enables her to travel about with her loved ones. Another sad part is that, there is actually nothing much I could do but to visit her back at home when I have the chance to. It makes her really happy, I know. And I hate the fact that this is the only way that I can be with my mom.

I always blame the god or destiny or whatever for the life that I am currently living.

I’m not born with a silver spoon, I’m not born with good looks, I’m not born with outstanding talents, I do not have many quality friends etc etc. In other words, I think I am just not born lucky enough.

And the reason I say so is because I shamefully compare myself with others.

Im envious of how others can spend great times with their family on vacation in places that I can never go.

Im envious of how others are able to study overseas even if they are not as bright as me.

Im envious of how others have great friends that cares a lot about them.

Im envious of others.

I do not feel proud at all to admit so. I hate to admit it. But it is the truth. And being envious is bringing me nowhere. I know.

I hate that I am aware of all this things and I cant seem to make things change for the better.

I hate that I am helpless.

I really do hate myself for being the person I am sometimes.

I fear everything because I have no confidence.

Because I tend to believe that I ruin everything.

My relationship. My everything.

Because again, my excuse is that I am born lacking in so many ways.

And again, knowing that my thought is wrong.

I cant seem to change it and im hating myself more and more.

How twisted and crazy my mind can be.

Knowing what is bad to me and choosing to believe it and in the end hating myself for it.

What is wrong with me. 

Acceptance

It's sad that what I  have or do not have is incomparable to others. And I hate to admit it. 

Never.

Reminder to self: Do not make others feel the way you felt. If you didn't like it, others will not appreciate it too. Don't be an ass and make things worse. 

I blame myself.

I hate to be made fun of. 

I hate that I'm sensitive. 

I hate it when I'm being belittled.

I hate it. I hate almost everything about myself. 

When conflict happens I can't voice out my true thoughts because it shows how vulnerable and hateful I am. 

I refuse to show such a side of mine. 

However remaining quiet has not been working well for me as well. 

Im deemed as guilty (which may be true). 

Im seen as if I'm avoiding the problem (which may be true as well because I wished that the problem has not existed at all). 

Noone will be able to accept the way I am when facing such issues unless one is being extremely big hearted and able to overlook my weaknesses. 

A person like me needs someone who is willing to give way and open up a path for me to walk by through the issue knowing that I'm very well aware of my own issues and that I'm working on it. Most importantly is to forgive me. 

I can only blame myself for everything that has happened. 

Even as much as I would like to avoid the blame. 

Or even if the blame isn't on me. 

I'm the cause for all. 

The cost of rage.

Never drive when you are raging. 

That's what people said. 

How about never rage when you are driving? That makes sense too. 

Almost got into accident. 

If it did happened, I'm not at fault legally. 

However, I did speed. I'll admit to that. 

I speed when I rage. 

I will get into trouble one day if I continue to do so. 

Im aware of it. 

Contemplation

I always advice others not to overlook the bad of their partners because I do not wish to see them blinded by the good. 

Ironically, i only keep track of the good of my partner (like literally in a notebook) because I do not wish to forget and disacknowledge his efforts and to let go, forgive and forget the bad that has happened. 

So is my contradictory action proves that my advice for others had been purely hypocritical and unsubstantiated or that I'm just being idiotic to not take my own advice? 

I can't figure it out. Which is right and which is wrong? Is it circumstantial? Or I'm just trying to make an excuse for my foolishness again? 

I'm really trying. Please acknowledge it..

I'm definitely not perfect. Tolerance is absolutely important. I'm absolutely aware of that. I tried. I really tried. And I am still trying. But I do wish that I do not have to try so hard sometimes. 

Dream job?

Just yesterday I saw a person i knew having a job that i wanted. It made me jealous. For real. I rarely feel this way but seeing others (especially someone I actually knew) living a job that i wish I could have hurts. 

Being able to write and publish materials that are able to gain real views. How satisfying that could be. Not only you are able to do something that you like, you are able the to gauge the amount of attention n interest that you have garnered instantaneously from the piece that you have written. How enviable is that. 

This reminds me of another job that I am envious about which is calligrapher. Seb Lester in particular. Art. Writing. Something i would love to do n be good at. However im not talented in such ways. 

I believe I am not gifted with any special talents. Not that I'm aware of. Hence I seriously so not know what I am actually good at.   What exactly am I passionate about? But does that make me great at what I'm passionate about? 

I have dreams. Or had. But they're just dreams. Dreams that doesnt make money. 

They're deemed impractical at the moment for now I desperately needs to earn more money. 

It's unfortunate really. 

Life of a person who is not born with a silver spoon. 

Even the strong cries.

The song Weak really hits me every time I listen to it. 

From the entries in this blog I think one will be able to catch how temperamental I am. 

22 and graduated.

Yeap, 22 and graduated. 

Now what? 

22 may seem like a really young age to be graduated or to be a real working adult. 

But it all depends. 

22 may seem quite early for one to be working in the society. Once you start working you will not be able to see the end of it. That is what I thought. Which may still be true to a certain extent. 

But to achieve something greater, I believe it is good to able to start young as well to take account of the possibility of failing and trying and whatnot. 

Im trying to aim higher but I still working on what my aim is. I need it. I need to need it. 

Midnight thoughts.

I have so much thoughts that i wish i could put into words. But i cant find an outlet that allows me to do so freely and easily. Too much in mind. Too little time and im restricted by inconvenience. I wish i could have it all written down. Stored. And never forgotten. Human brains are too ignorant. I need an outlet to remind myself of what matters most in life. I do not wish to be ignorant. I realize how much it is causing me and how I'm drifting away from the life I thought I still have control of. I was wrong. I am wrong. Very wrong. 

I'm back. Again.

Couldn't find any other platform that allows me to express my thoughts on the go without publicity. I need to write. I really need this. I cant live without talking to myself and putting down my thoughts. I do not have enough time to literally write. This is the best i could do. For now.