I can't look at you.

Announcing to your entire social connection how much you dislike me.

Then don't talk to me, don't act like you are even nice to me.

I dislike you too but I did not resort to announcing to the entire world.
Not even my own boyfriend.

I dislike you, hence I do not chit chat or bother communicating with you unless necessary.
I do not resort into talking bad about you like how you did.
I dislike you, hence I dont give a shit about you.
That's it.
Simple.
I do not need to do anything to you or say anything about you.
You simply are not my concern at all.
I would not fake around and act like I'm still nice to you or even care about you.

So please just stop.

I appreciate you not giving a jack shit about me instead of bitching about me on twitter and gossiping about me behind my back.
Don't bother trying to act the other way round in front of me because unfortunately I have already find out about all your acts that you have done or said about me.

It disgusts me how you are even deemed as a great person to my boyfriend.

And good for you, he still thinks you are a great friend to him.

Deepest condolences to myself.

Congrats, you won the hearts of the world by belittling me, showing your hatred towards me, a person whom you deem as an ass.

It's all in my mind

I thought of ways to speak to you.

I can't seem to bring up the courage to express all these thought to you directly.

I'm too afraid.

My insecurity overpowers me.

I'm too afraid that at the end of the day, all my concerns will be deemed burdensome and troublesome to you.

That actually means that I lose.

I lose in actually having my own thoughts and emotion.

I'm afraid I cant hold it any longer.

Hypocrites.

It's interesting to see how fake certain people can be.
One minute ago you can be posting something bitching about me on social media and
the next minute you are smiling and acting nice to me.
Two-faced. That's what you are.

I'm not too sure which is worst.
Knowing that you are one fake ass bitch or
knowing that my boyfriend still trusts you.

It hurts.

There's nothing I can really do.
I have to suck it up.
I sucked it up.
I am still sucking it up.

I dont know how long more I can suck this shit up.

It cuts me deep.
Not being able to do or say anything about it.
Not having it in the way I wish, I feel like I'm losing.
That's not a nice feeling.

Friends mean so much to you.
You have so many off them.
So many off them are what you call your "best".
I honestly do not care about most of them.
What I care most was those who you had feelings for.
But I'm moving on, my best to get pass that.

Halfway through, here comes a fox.
Seemed harmless initially but proven wrong big time.
Your another "best" is cutting me deep.

Do I make you choose?
Can I even do that?
Should I even do that?

I did not.
How long till I will?
I dont know.
Will I ever going to make you choose?
I hope I dont have to resort to that.

But it is killing me.
I sucked it up so badly that its eating me up on the inside.
Mentally exhausted.

You knew we are not exactly getting along well.
You chose to not know and care.
I stopped talking to you about it or her ever since.
I tried to dust it off and not put you in a difficult position.
I did my best.
I did it.
Really.
I thought I was actually succeeding in making it.

Until I saw the fox in her act.
Shouldnt have seen it.
But too late.
It's great to know.
But it is not that great to receive it.

What I see now is that I'm not the one putting you in a difficult position.
It is her.
But do you see it?
Or maybe again, you just dont want to care about it.
Or even worse, you still choose believe that I am the cause to it.

That is what is killing me.
To see there is a possibility that after all this, you choose to trust your "best" and prefer that I suck it up and be the person who does not put you in the difficult position.
When the fact is that I've tried and already done so.

At that point, I would be dead.
I honestly cant even bear to imagine myself taking all the blame and suck it up on this one.
I cant.

I do not blame you if the worst case scenario does happen.
I blame your "best". The fox. The one you trust.

I dont wish for this to be a blame game either.
But it left me with no choice.

Never in my wildest crazy action I would do whatever she is doing to my own best friend's significant other.
That is how I make my decision to put my blame on.

Another worst case scenario, this fox has already spread the WOM how much she dislikes me to your other friends or even "bests".
Too afraid to see you think I am the cause to it as well.

I would never stop you from hanging out with your friends.
NEVER.
As much as I hate to see you hang out with certain people, I will NEVER stop you.
But now, knowing that you are still and will be hanging out with this fox, I really wish that I could say no. I really do.
But again, who am I to stop you hanging out with your "best", to put you in a difficult position.

So its on me.
Again.
To suck it up.
And to hurt myself with it.

I suck it up.
I suck it up for you.
I suck it up because I love you.

But I'm afraid I cant hold it any longer.

Lesson of the day

No one will ever sympathises you on your haplessness.

No one.

So despite being the sad soul here.
Yeah, I supposed to suck it up.
Thanks.

What in the world

My blood is boiling.

My heart feels like it is going to explode or straight up just stop pumping soon.

I wish I hadnt done it.

I'm sorry I did.

But yeah, good to know?

Not nice to know but at least now I know.

How hypocrite.

And how heart breaking to still see you on their side.

I'm nothing compared to them.

I'm the one that should be "dealing with it".

Yes, I'm the issue here again. As usual.

Devil in me

I'm not feeling well at all.

Physically and mentally.

I wish I could just go home and sleep all day.

Not wanting to do anything.

Not wanting to think about anything.

Not wanting to care about anything.

Can I just erase my thoughts and let my body rest?

How ridiculous.

Who am I to ask for so much.

I'm just a worthless piece of shit.

So what if I am much more capable than the others.

- No one will see your effort and acknowledge it, idiot.

So what if I am tired of everything.

- No one cares please. Stop being a bitch.
Stop being a sensitive bitch.
People around you are suffering because of you.
You are killing everyone's mood.
Why can't you just suck it up and get over it bitch.
Stop making things difficult for others.
You know what, maybe you're better of dead.
Just leave. No one wants such negative person around.

I really don't.

Is there any possible way that nothing will actually link you to all these stuff or people?

I guess not.

It's impossible.

Not too sure what am I missing.

Dont think I wish to find out.

Why cant I just not know anything or find out anything at all?

I didnt wish to know.

I dont wish to know.

I will never want to know.

Not knowing.

Knowing hurts.

Knowing that they matter to you so much hurts.

Knowing hurts. 

It hurts so bad I wish I didnt know. 

Caring makes me hurt.

Should I not care then?

Maybe I should but I dont know how.

Putting myself in so many people's shoes.

Doesnt seem right to me still.

It hurts still.