Is there still a need to sugar coat words even with the person I am in a relationship with?

It has really taken its toll on me.

Not sure if you have seen the change in me.
When you got mad, i remained calm and tried to control and contain my emotions.
Didnt wanna do the same mistake like how I used to.
Didnt wanna flip the switch in me to be mad when I see you got mad.
I tried. I really tried.
I tried not to play the victim.
I chose to walk away from all your tantrums because I wanna control my emotion. I didnt wanna throw the same fit as you like how it always happens.
I tried to figure out whats the problem really.
And as usual I feel like it's nobody's fault.
You think I do not understand why you are reacting such way.
I do. I really do.
But at the same time, I felt like I have my reasons to respond to you in the way I did.
And once again, we are just thinking and feeling from our individual point of view.
There's nothing wrong with it to me really.
I knew we both are sensitive towards our own feelings the day started arguing like this when we just got together in the beginning.
I tried explaining to you over and over again and seeing that it still happens now, I do not think you get it or maybe you just cant agree to it.
To me, it is just one simple thing.
Being able to agree to disagree.
That's what tolerating is.
And tolerance is the key to every relationship. I genuinely believe so.

Watching you reacting in a such a way hurts but what hurts more is when you said that you wish that I would just agree to what you say naively and not having anything to comment.
the moment you said that, my heart just shattered.
I felt like my heart has been ripped into piece over and over again.
I felt like I'm seriously not the right person for you.
I listened to your opinion and acknowledged it. But somehow i'm just not allowed to say anything about it. Because apparently I shouldnt. Not the right time.

All this while I thought my opinion mattered. I thought that being someone who is able to give a thoughtful feedback especially to my boyfriend is great. Because I do not have to feel restricted to say things that may offend the person because you are no stranger to me.

I thought that conversations that we have are mature discussions about our life which is what make us grow.

I just thought that talking to me would shed you a new light to think about things.

I thought this is the way we are bringing out the best in each other?

I thought we could say alot of things and help each other realize stuff and remind each other stuffs?

What I thought was all proven wrong when you told me that you wished that I just do not have an opinion sometimes. 

You do not want a girl like me.

You want a xiao nv ren who obediently listens and agrees to what you say.

I'm not close to being the person you want in your life.

Maybe half because I am that xiao nv ren but on top of that I do have my opinions.

I know I am not the most positive person in the world.

I agree.

But i believe that what i am could be of a great balance to others because i show people different sides of the page and how seeing from a different perspective could help people make their decisions better because you have seen all the good and the bad. 

Unfortunately, that's not the kinda balance you want in your life.

I'm not the other half that you wish I am. 

It hurts. It really does hurt. 

I've done my part of tolerating in the relationship. You may not see it.

But now it just feels like it is not even about tolerating anymore.

It is like you need a different person in your life.

I couldnt stop crying really.

I've never ever cried so hard in my life that I couldnt stop like that.

But it hurts. It hurts so so bad.

To feel like I'm not the person you want or need in your life.

Thinking that all this time, being an opinionated gf has made you a better person is all wrong.

so wrong. 

Instead of thinking that my opinion has helped you to think and grow, you felt like I should not have even said anything at all.

I thought of all the things that I have done for you. 

All the things that I have tried my best to do for you.

And thinking about how everything turns out in the end.

I cant get the images off my mind.

The images of you throwing things, slamming the door and stomping the floor.

What exactly have I done to deserve all that?

Because I gave an opinion?

Because I'm simply not the person you want by your side.

This is why it hurts so bad that I cant stop thinking about it and crying about it.

I feel like I am not the person you want or need in life.

I'm not her.

And I dont know how and what I can do to change about myself anymore. 

True?

When a woman is "tripping" she cares.
When a woman is "mad" she believed in you and you let her down.
When she's "asking questions" she is trying to gain clarity.
When she's quiet and letting things "slide" she is giving up.
And when she is not doing any of the above just know that you lost a good woman.

I spoke so much good of you to my friends to the extent that I started to feel as if I am gloating.

#imy

Felt extremely happy and proud when people praised you. Made me miss you more than ever.

When change is necessary.

People complain about how certain people change when they are in a relationship. Some claimed that they are spending too much time on their partners. Why is that bad? Why change is bad? Who is it to say that it is wrong or right? Why does it have to be one way and not other way?

I'm toxic. I love you but maybe it is better for you to leave me?

Never doubted my love for you. What worries me is that I love you so much that I'm becoming a toxic to you. 

I love you so much, I wish you could always be on my side and ONLY my side. I hate your friend. I do not hate that species for no reason. I thought you knew. I expected you to stand by my side because I love you so much I thought you would understand how I feel. I understand how you feel too. I know it is a difficult position for you but I'm a toxic, I can't accept you standing in the middle and not on ONLY my side. I hate to see you still talking to that species especially when you initiated it. I hate to see that species talking to you, wishing that that species will freaking get lost and leave you alone because you are mine. That's how much I love you and how toxic my thoughts can be. You do not deserve to have such crazy gf. Ugly truth: Yes, I wish you can cut and end ties with that species. That's how crazy I am and I hate to admit that. I will completely understand if you cant accept such thoughts and leave me. 

I was absolutely glad to have a chance to be a part of your gathering with your coursemates. I really want to leave a good impression to them and I want them to like me so much. I could have done better but I guess I did not bad for the first time. I wanted to switch things around. Hoping you could see that your gf is socialable too and not just good at making enemies with people that you know. I really hope you could change the way you look at me. i love you so much that I really care how you think of me and i know so far you had not been seeing the good in me. it is obvious especially during the time i said i love you with tears. you doubted me. to you, whatever i say or do happens because of something negative in me. all you see is negativity in me. my positivity do not matter anymore because the negativity in me is what you can only see and care for. if i have a 80% positivity in me, you would only see 6% of it. evrything else overshadows my good and this is where i feel underappreciated and worthless.

I love you so much that I want to feel wanted. I want to be missed, I want to be in ur mind all the time, I want to be the person you choose over anything or anyone else, I want you to make me feel worthy, secure and special. I do not want divided love and care from you. I do not want to share anything about you with anyone else other than your family. I want to be the significant one. I'm selfish. I want you to please me by having matters the way I wish them to. 

I'm toxic. I'm selfish. I'm sorry. I love you. 

My final outlet.

My desire to write or to note down my thoughts is extremely random and unpredictable. And as always, I will try to note down as much as possible. jotting it down somewhere in my notebook, making a note on my phone and then posting them up all at one time here. This is the final platform where I publish my thoughts, where I gather them and keep them safe and sound. 

Please accept my ugly side. I beg you?

We started living together really soon. You brought me back to meet your family when we were not even together for 2 months. I brought you to meet mine not too long after that too. I fell in love and got attached to you so quickly that I was and am maybe still too afraid that I may lose you. You become such a huge part of my life that I seriously could not picture my life or even a day without you. Despite my insecurities and my heart broken so many times, I choose to be with you. Because I really want us to last. I just hope that you could accept me and my toxic thoughts in the future. Forgive me for my selfishness. 

Details about you that I would never wanna forget

You wore the plain white shirt with that navy blue jacket along with your beige pants on the day we first went out. We watched avengers and had dinner at chili's. 

 You wore a grey long sleeve shirt with white pants on our second time out for mcdonald's breakfast. You took an illegal turn to park near mcdonald's. You asked for a cup of ice because your tea was too hot. 

You wore your formal white shirt and black pants on our third time out which is also the first day we officially got together. We ate at silver spoon in publika and you ordered a carbonara pasta. 

How does it feel like to be treated the way I treat you?

Sometimes I wish I could be you. To feel how it is like to be waken up in the morning, having food and stuff ready for me, getting kisses from you before you leave for the day and receiving texts from you about your whereabouts and reminders for me. 

I have. All in less than 12 hours.

Have you ever watched your loved one sleep?
Have you ever done nothing and just lie next to your sleeping loved one?
Have you ever thought about every single detail of your relationship?
Have you ever felt so emotionally glad and happy to have your significant other?
Have you ever felt so in love?
Have you ever stopped doing something you thought you wanted to do just to jump right next to your loved one knowing that he is awake?
Have you ever felt that all you want to do is just hug and kiss and say I love you to your loved one?
Have you ever felt you would like to just wallow in the fact that you are so so happy and glad to have your loved one and weep without you even realizing because all you were thinking about is just how much you really love this person and how bad you would like the relationship to last forever and ever?
Have you ever been doubted harshly instantaneously on why you are being so emotional as if you have done something wrong?
Have you ever explained and told your loved one that those tears were just tears of joy and feeling of complete blessing?
Have you ever been distrusted?
Have you ever felt how it feels like to get your heart crushed over and over again watching your partner resenting you?
Have you ever felt so innocent that you have no idea why you were getting such response?
Have you ever felt like you were on a cloud nine moments before and it became you worst nightmare to realize that your partner acts in the way you did not picture it to be?
Have you ever felt so hurt that you realize that your way of expressing your love has proved you something?
Have you ever finally realized that your partner sees you in a certain way, a way in which you are not exactly a great person?
Have you ever felt so heartbroken that your partner after all does not see so much good in you to actually believe whatever that you tried to say?
Have you ever weep yourself to sleep feeling so broken?
Have you ever wake up during odd hours wondering what has just happened to my relationship and failing to go back to sleep?
Have you ever seen your partner sleeping on the floor and not knowing if you should actually ask him to get on the bed?
Have you ever thought about how much he resented you?
Have you ever thought of why didn't he try to talk to you anymore or to touch you any more?
Have you ever think and think again so much that you fell back again into sleep?
Have you ever woke up feeling so emotionally exhausted that you just wish you know what to do?
Have you ever felt like being a terrible person before?
Have you ever felt like you do not want to be yourself anymore because you realized that your true self after all receives resentment and why don't you just be a person whom you hate and resent as well?
Have you ever left home feeling like you were going to break into tears?
Have you ever got into the car and stared into the blanks for a couple of seconds without knowing what you want before driving off without emotion?
Have you ever doubted your decision of being a terrible person for the day?
Have you ever drove so slow that you do not give a damn whether you reach work on time or not?
Have you ever in fact maybe just hope that you will be involved in an accident?
Have you ever felt so hurt that maybe after all what you are is not what your partner wants?
Have you ever felt so so hurt that you realized that your partner may never able to accept your true self?
Have you ever just felt so damn hurt that you seriously do not know what to do and think anymore because you feel like nothing will ever end up the way you wanted to be?
Have you ever just realized that after all what you wanted to hear or feel from your partner when you told him you loved him was just a tight hug and a deep kiss and his mutual feelings for you or asking you why are you weeping and that you are just being silly instead of getting the response of what is wrong with you?
Have you ever typed so much in your office and typing every words down makes you want to cry even more?
Have you ever hope that you could just leave work immediately and go somewhere alone and not do anything at all for the rest of the day so that you can think even more and cry even more?
Have you ever thought that maybe it is your fault and maybe you should have just shut your mouth and hold back your tears last night and everything would be just fine?
Have you ever wondered why expressing your feelings will actually lead to all this?

I have. All in less than 12 hours.