Poker faced.

I'm not exactly happy that I'm leaving home tomorrow.

I thought I would be happy.

But I guess I've gotten used to be the unproductive daughter lingering at home.

I'm actually sad all over again.

Like how the first time I left for my Pre-U studies but it's Degree this time round.

Thinking of how I will have to go back to K Hell all by myself tomorrow is so simple

but knowing that going back there is equivalent to the start of something new again is overwhelming.

I'm tired actually.

In fact, I'm tired of this life already.

Why is life such a long and oppressive course.

I'm NOT getting all worked up or emo about life now.

In fact, I'm trying hard to live it up and definitely not giving up.

But I'm just not that passionate either.

Simply tired of life and I'm just gonna live and let live.

Fuck this shit.

Like seriously, profanity is a necessity nowadays.
Yes, it is not something nice or pretty especially coming from a female.
But I can only suppress myself from verbalizing profanity (to a certain extent) and
NOT from writing them.

Anyhow, profanity does help in making a human more human.
At least this is what I believe.
I am not the kinda person who lashes out physically to alleviate my emotion when I'm upset.
I'm more to a verbal kinda person which is also the reason why I might have impaired some unlucky participants in the past. (Note: IN THE PAST)


In these days, profanity performs a role in my miserable life mitigating my despondency.
It helps only in the commencement of some shit that happened, slowly guiding me to my senses.

It's sad. Really.

Karma is a bitch.

So is life. And maybe me too.

Engraving thoughts assuring myself that everything will be great and fine.

Lies. All self reassuring lies.

The effects have worn off. Or I simply have to accept the truth now.

It’s not gonna be great. It’s not gonna be fine.

It’s like I’m being haunted or something.

But there’s only myself to be blamed.

What happens now? Future?

How I wish I could find out first hand and be fortified to grasp the nettle.

Friends assuring me that everything will be fine.

Helped a little at that particular moment.

However, the feeling of unsure and insecure start seeping in the next moment.

Yes, maybe I’m just paranoid but I believe it is for a good reason which apparently only acknowledged by me.

I wish I could do something.

But I’m not sure what I could do anymore or maybe there’s nothing I could do after all.

It’s like I’m awaiting some kinda catastrophe in an utter helpless state.

I admit that guilt is the main reason I’m feeling so perturbed about all this shit happening and about to happen.

This is why I can’t go all hunky dory to the university as if nothing ever happened.

It’s eating me up on the inside.

I'm only human.

My habit of writing online seemed to leave as well when I left for college last year. 

And now, after a year of hiatus, I’m writing again. Don’t ask me why.

The year that went by was absolutely erratic and I learned my lesson.

I realized that I’m not that strong after all.

I thought I was tough enough to overcome similar dramas that have happened before.

I thought I was strong enough to be alone and not dependent on others.

I thought I was determined enough to hit the bulls eye in my studies.

I thought I was smart enough for everything.

But I was wrong. Terribly wrong.

Epic fail in decision making.

I was so obtuse. 

Yes, I’m only human. An obtuse one.

FAMILY is my everything. Devoted almost two decade of my life living up to my parents’ expectation. And fuck, I will continue to carry this shit load forever. I’m not gonna complain. I live for not only myself but for the people around me as well. That’s how it is.

FRIENDSHIP is one intricate shit. Dramas everywhere. Tired of the same shit that happens. Pure manure. Easy come easy go. Those who remained for years, I love you.

RELATIONSHIP is like a tarn of manure. Fuck this shit. It is the matter of being hurt or hurting others. Just too scary. Future bf, please assure me that this shit is actually good and I’m gonna be fine.xoxo.

STUDIES. What can I say, I devoted my life (so far) to you. Well, you’re actually the only thing that I could be proud of? I’m not sure it’s a good thing but you’re the reason why I left home for. 3.9 CGPA in my Pre-U studies only means that I have to fucking study my ass off in Degree. If I fail in my studies, I might as well just go to hell.

All in all, I’m only human.

I try hard. I’m not sure whether it’s hard enough or not but I just wanna be happy at the end of the day.

Like everyone else, 

I’m afraid of being alone.

I’m afraid of being hurt.

I’m afraid of failing.

I’m afraid of life.

I'm afraid of everything.

I only hope for the best to happen.

I’m vulnerable. Very vulnerable actually.