It has really taken its toll on me.

Not sure if you have seen the change in me.
When you got mad, i remained calm and tried to control and contain my emotions.
Didnt wanna do the same mistake like how I used to.
Didnt wanna flip the switch in me to be mad when I see you got mad.
I tried. I really tried.
I tried not to play the victim.
I chose to walk away from all your tantrums because I wanna control my emotion. I didnt wanna throw the same fit as you like how it always happens.
I tried to figure out whats the problem really.
And as usual I feel like it's nobody's fault.
You think I do not understand why you are reacting such way.
I do. I really do.
But at the same time, I felt like I have my reasons to respond to you in the way I did.
And once again, we are just thinking and feeling from our individual point of view.
There's nothing wrong with it to me really.
I knew we both are sensitive towards our own feelings the day started arguing like this when we just got together in the beginning.
I tried explaining to you over and over again and seeing that it still happens now, I do not think you get it or maybe you just cant agree to it.
To me, it is just one simple thing.
Being able to agree to disagree.
That's what tolerating is.
And tolerance is the key to every relationship. I genuinely believe so.

Watching you reacting in a such a way hurts but what hurts more is when you said that you wish that I would just agree to what you say naively and not having anything to comment.
the moment you said that, my heart just shattered.
I felt like my heart has been ripped into piece over and over again.
I felt like I'm seriously not the right person for you.
I listened to your opinion and acknowledged it. But somehow i'm just not allowed to say anything about it. Because apparently I shouldnt. Not the right time.

All this while I thought my opinion mattered. I thought that being someone who is able to give a thoughtful feedback especially to my boyfriend is great. Because I do not have to feel restricted to say things that may offend the person because you are no stranger to me.

I thought that conversations that we have are mature discussions about our life which is what make us grow.

I just thought that talking to me would shed you a new light to think about things.

I thought this is the way we are bringing out the best in each other?

I thought we could say alot of things and help each other realize stuff and remind each other stuffs?

What I thought was all proven wrong when you told me that you wished that I just do not have an opinion sometimes. 

You do not want a girl like me.

You want a xiao nv ren who obediently listens and agrees to what you say.

I'm not close to being the person you want in your life.

Maybe half because I am that xiao nv ren but on top of that I do have my opinions.

I know I am not the most positive person in the world.

I agree.

But i believe that what i am could be of a great balance to others because i show people different sides of the page and how seeing from a different perspective could help people make their decisions better because you have seen all the good and the bad. 

Unfortunately, that's not the kinda balance you want in your life.

I'm not the other half that you wish I am. 

It hurts. It really does hurt. 

I've done my part of tolerating in the relationship. You may not see it.

But now it just feels like it is not even about tolerating anymore.

It is like you need a different person in your life.

I couldnt stop crying really.

I've never ever cried so hard in my life that I couldnt stop like that.

But it hurts. It hurts so so bad.

To feel like I'm not the person you want or need in your life.

Thinking that all this time, being an opinionated gf has made you a better person is all wrong.

so wrong. 

Instead of thinking that my opinion has helped you to think and grow, you felt like I should not have even said anything at all.

I thought of all the things that I have done for you. 

All the things that I have tried my best to do for you.

And thinking about how everything turns out in the end.

I cant get the images off my mind.

The images of you throwing things, slamming the door and stomping the floor.

What exactly have I done to deserve all that?

Because I gave an opinion?

Because I'm simply not the person you want by your side.

This is why it hurts so bad that I cant stop thinking about it and crying about it.

I feel like I am not the person you want or need in life.

I'm not her.

And I dont know how and what I can do to change about myself anymore.